President appoints Monkey to replace Hank Paulson as Secretary of Treasury

By Nim Chimpsky
Published: July 4th, 2009

WASHINGTON (AP) — Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States, appoints Nim Chimpsky Jr. as the next United States Treasury Secretary. President Obama thanked Mr. Paulson for trying his best, but it is obvious that Paulson's utter incompetence at best or malicious avarice and corruption at worst invites the question: "Could a monkey do a better job?". President Obama thinks so. "If this works, I plan to replace large parts of the cabinet with monkeys. They work for bananas and are not corruptible with silly things like green pieces of paper which easily corrupt some humans". President Obama apologized to Mr. Paulson for the charges of corruption and $200 billion civil lawsuit, but those funds are needed to balance the budget. "Mr. Paulson has stolen large parts of the $700 billion bailout, so we're only trying to get that back before he flees the country.", said President Obama. The charges, filed by Attorney General Russ Feingold late in the evening, allege that Mr. Paulson, knowing full well that Goldman Sachs and company were fueling a false real estate bubble, falsified information in order to pursue the disastrous corrupt lending practices which lead to what is ludicrously called the downturn in the "health of the economy".

Secretary Nim Chimpsky Jr. is affectionately called "Junior" by friends and family alike. President Obama said, "Junior will certainly do more for the general public and even if he makes random decisions, that will make "we the peoples" odds of a fair, SANE, and just decision 50% better than the previous administration, where the general public's odds were 0."

The former Treasury Secretary appeared unfazed by the apparent slap in the face by his replacement with a monkey. (GAVIN BELLOWS/BOSTON GLOBE)

Source: New York Times/CBS News poll